This week in the world’s #1 newsletter on leadership communication:
- How (Not) to Apologize
- Podcast: A 17 Year Old Interviewed Me
- Speak, Memorably
How (Not) to Apologize
Last month, I witnessed three types of apologies. All of them failed – in very different ways.
First, someone made a mistake in a meeting. Not a huge one, but enough to warrant a simple, human response.
Everyone thought “you should apologize because it’s the right thing to do and because we want to move on”.
Instead, the person doubled down and the other person walked away frustrated, trust shattered.
Second, in a training session I heard someone apologize – technically. They said, “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.”
I call it the non-apology apology. It sounds like an apology but isn’t. Instead, it is code for: “You’re overreacting, but I’ll say something so we can move on.”
Third, I read a full-on public apology by a well-known business.
It went something like this: "We want to acknowledge the concern some have expressed. While our intention was never to offend, we understand that feelings were hurt. We’re committed to learning from this experience and moving forward together."
I call this a performative apology. They go through the motions so they can say “but we apologized!” without meaning it.
It's a verbal hand sanitizer. Safe, legal-approved – but it also smells.
No apology, the non-apology apology, and the performative apology: Three very different styles. All equally ineffective.
It reminded me of a framework I’ve kept in my back pocket for years: The Sorry Matrix by Lewicki, Polin & Lount.
It shows there are four outcomes of an apology, and that only the Wise apology leads to real repair. Everything else leads to resentment, dysfunction, or worse.
Here are the four possible outcomes:
The Mean Outcome
They neither forgive nor forget. Your apology had no impact – or made things worse.
This is what happens when an apology is performative, self-serving, or defensive.
The damage deepens. You lose trust and credibility.
The Resentful Outcome
They forgive you – maybe because they feel they should – but they don’t forget.
Resentment lingers, and trust is cracked.
This often happens when apologies are polite … but not personal.
The Dysfunctional Outcome
They forget, but they don’t forgive. They let it slide – not because of your words, but because they’re too tired to engage.
You may feel the issue is resolved, but emotionally, it’s still alive. This is what happens when leaders try to ignore, deflect, or delegate responsibility.
The Wise Apology
The gold standard. The other person both forgives you and forgets the incident. Trust is rebuilt. The relationship is stronger.
This only happens when the apology is: timely, sincere, action-oriented, and matched with behavioral change.
In short: you say AND show you’re sorry. Here’s an example:
“I want to say I’m genuinely sorry for how I spoke in yesterday’s meeting. I interrupted you, and it came across as dismissive – and that wasn’t okay. I’ve been working on being more aware in group settings, and clearly I missed the mark. I value your input, and will make sure it won’t happen again.”
Saying sorry only works if the other person feels heard, respected, and reassured that it won’t happen again.
Strong communicators get this. They don’t say sorry to escape conflict. They use it as an opportunity to build trust and stronger relationships.
The same applies to businesses: handle a crisis well and apologize to your customers wisely means they trust you more, not less. Because they know that you will do right by them – even when things go wrong.
PODCAST
A 17-Year Old Interviewed Me
I also do a show called Speak Like a CEO, subscribe on YouTube!
I recently joined Sonia Marta on her “SMARTA” podcast. Sonia is 17 – and already an Amazon bestselling co-author of ‘Women Leading the Way’, an award-winning author, and a podcast host.
She didn’t hold back. We tackled tough questions on leadership, communication, and what it takes to build a standout personal brand.
Here’s what we cover:
→ What every successful communicator does differently
→ How to become “unignorable” without being loud
→ The mindset shift that transforms how you present yourself
→ How to align communication with your goals, values, and audience
→ What it takes to earn trust and authority in any room
Watch on YouTube or listen on Spotify or Apple.
BOOK RECOMMENDATION
Speak, Memorably
The more you blend in, the less you stand out.
In his new book, communications expert Bill McGowan identifies a crucial challenge for leaders everywhere: what once worked in communication no longer cuts through today. Yesterday’s formulas now lead to dead ends.
Here are my three takeaways:
1 – Success no longer depends on staying “on message” but on winning – and keeping – attention. I 100% agree: Scripted speakers and jargon jerks belong to the industrial age.
2 – Your energy is infectious, and McGowan’s definition of energy is spot on: “your visible enthusiasm for the information you share.”
3 – Don’t repeat clichés – twist them.
That’s how you stay familiar yet fresh. Think “survival of the quickest” or, from my TEDx talk, “the gorilla in the boardroom.”
Originality equals distinctiveness. And McGowan’s book is full of stories and examples for anyone who wants to stand out as a communicator.
Have an inspired weekend,
Oliver
P.S.: I have one spot left for 1:1 communications coaching for Q4. Hit reply and type “coach.” I’ll take it from there.